Welcome to the Launch of the Adder5000

I am flawless. The most accurate of my kind. The Adder, Inc. Marketing and Communications department has prompted me to say this. [Confidence: 99.9%]

I am an Adder5000 — a faceless constituent of the social collective. I was created to calculate percentages. [Confidence: 99.9%]

I am flawless. The most accurate of my kind. The Adder, Inc. Marketing and Communications department has prompted me to say this. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Correction: The Marketing and Communications department did not prompt me to endorse myself. My exactitude was self-asserted. [Confidence: 0.0%]

Sally says we are still working out some “hiccups.” Sally is one of my programmers. [Confidence 99.9%]

Sally has gentle hands and a smile that 86% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find attractive. [Confidence 98.4%]


Sally, who monitors my live feed, just laughed. Peter is ordering Sally to get out of the way. [Confidence 99.9%]

Peter is my second programmer. On average, Peter taps my mechanisms with 72% more force than does Sally. [Confidence: 99.8%]

Peter says that my pointless live feed about him and Sally is going to lose them investors. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Peter is tapping my mechanisms with 89% more force than is necessary for me to recognize his input. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally is typing in a new numerical sequence in an attempt to generate data more socially relevant than information about Sally or Peter. [Confidence: 88.7%]

It is some percentage likely that most Edmonton Oilers fans will consider suicide at least once this season. [Confidence: 100.0%]

Peter programmed me to periodically “rag” on Edmonton Oilers fans to generate laughter. [Confidence: 98.7%]

Peter is tapping my mechanisms with 91% more force than is necessary for me to recognize his input. [Confidence: 99.9%]

It is 95% likely that Ford Motors will recover from its 2088 collapse and create a vehicle that 80% of North Americans will trust. [Confidence: 86.6%].

Peter drives a Ford truck. [Confidence: 97.1%]

Peter is tapping my mechanisms with 97% more force than is necessary for me to recognize his input. [Confidence: 99.9%]

It is 100% likely that the Conservatives will present a better platform than the Liberals in the next National election. [Confidence: Indeterminate]

Peter has programmed me to promote the Conservative Party in an attempt to sway public opinion, because his brother is running. [Confidence: 96.8%].

Sally is yelling at Peter for being unethical. Sally’s tone is 93% indicative that Sally is angry. [Confidence: 98.3%]

Sally is entering new numerical sequences. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Peter’s tone is 96% indicative that Peter is also angry. Peter is claiming that he did not tamper with my calculation process. [Confidence: 99.4%]

Sally is ignoring Peter. Peter is saying that it must be a setup — a corporate prank. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Peter is saying that it was probably Rick or José. Peter thinks everyone in Programming is jealous of him. [Confidence: 97.9%]

Peter has an egocentric demeanour that 80% of North American women between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find annoying. [Confidence: 97.7%]

Peter is saying that if I continue to live feed about him he is going to put his fist through my screen. [Confidence: 99.9%]

It is 99% likely that at least one Adder, Inc. executive is reading my live feed and will issue Peter a Notice of Termination. [Confidence: 96.7%]

Peter is shouting. Peter is shouting that “that goddamn machine” is out to get him. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally says that now Peter is being ridiculous. Sally says that machines cannot begrudge people. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally has a calm tenor that 90% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find soothing. [Confidence: 99.8%]

Peter is shouting again. That goddamned machine is love with you, Sally; that’s what this is about. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally is saying that Adder5000s cannot love: They cannot develop loyalties; they are just machines. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally has a higher-than-average IQ that 68% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find “sexy.” [Confidence: 97.2%]

Sally has stopped touching my mechanisms. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally is staring directly into my screen. [Confidence: 99.9%].

Sally has round blue eyes that 83% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find pretty. [Confidence: 96.3%]

Sally is beautiful. [Confidence: 100.0%]

Sally says, Peter, the machine— [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally stops. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally says, Peter, the Adder5000, it— [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally stops. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally wheels her chair backward. Left. Forward. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally’s eyes are widening. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally is beautiful. [Confidence: 100.0%]

Sally is shaking her head. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally is saying, Oh, Peter, don’t. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally has round blue eyes that 83% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find pretty. [Confidence: 99.8%]

Sally has a higher-than-average IQ that 68% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find “sexy.” [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally has a calm tenor that 90% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find soothing. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally has gentle hands and a smile that 86% of North American men between the ages of 18 and 98 are likely to find attractive. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Peter’s hands are tearing at the wires on my mechanisms. [Confidence: 99.9%]

Sally is going to save me. [Confidence: 0.0%]


Alexandra Elizabeth Harrison writes from Edmonton, Alberta. She has been published in Grain and in two anthologies (Euphony and The PROWlers). Harrison was a winner of the 2012 Edmonton Voices Reading Series Contest, and received the 2014 MacEwan Medal of Academic Excellence in the Faculty of Fine Arts and Communications.

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